On Vampires, Lindsay Lohan and Modern Cowboys

Another week gone and another 7 days of disappointment piled upon the death pyre of our lives as my bipolar stepchild is fond of saying before breaking out into a full blown, Ethel Merman-esque version of The Pixies’ Wave of Mutilation. It’s not nearly as gruesome or awkward as it sounds. While many a music scholar have traced the whole quietLOUDquiet sensibility to Frank Black and friends, I think it’s a style not unfamiliar to Merman fans. Although hers may be more of a LOUDLOUDLOUD(TheEnd)quiet kind of phrasing.

With the week at an end, let’s open up our readers’ mail bag and comments — that is to say, comment, as in one. Come on, people! It’s an open forum here, meant to encourage a stimulating back-and-forth. If I wanted to continue creating in a vacuum, I would’ve kept writing for the theatre!

OK, let’s see. Jason wrote: Can you please write about modern day cowboys? Or Vampires? Or Lindsay Lohan???? Seriously though, nice work. I really enjoy your writing style.

That’s very nice of you to say, Jason who, I swear upon my other stepchild’s grave, is a complete and utter stranger to me. I really enjoy your writing style too. I’m sure your work is nice as well if I had any idea what it was you do which I absolutely don’t.

As for modern day cowboys, I don’t know much about them, I’m afraid. The last one I really paid any attention to was McCloud way back in the `70s. He was a cowboy cop from New Mexico who patrolled the streets of New York on horseback for some reason. Part of NBCs Sunday Mystery Movie rotation, I will admit to being more partial to the crumpled charm of Columbo and the witty spousal banter of Susan Saint James and Rock Hudson in McMillan and Wife.

Funny I should mention Rock Hudson because I suddenly remembered other modern day cowboys. Those two fellas from that movie a few years ago, Brokeback Mountain.

I don’t have much more to say about vampires either. Although I do wish that there would be more formal rules as to what they can and can’t do, what will or will not kill them and does being dead increase one’s numeracy or is The Count on Sesame Street just good with numbers? Right now, I find it all so willy-nilly. Some vampires are instantaneously reduced to ashes with the merest touch of a single ray of sunlight while a hat, sunglasses and SPF 50 sunblock will allow other vampires to roam freely during business hours. It seems that the utility of crosses in the defense against the blood-sucking undead is entirely contingent upon a vampire’s religious convictions. If they believe in heaven and hell and all that hooey, they’re not that crazy about crucifixes while their atheistic brethren can squeeze a diamond crusted cross into a lump of coal with their icy cold bare hands.

A little consistency is all I’m asking for when it comes to vampires.

In addition to which, I think in the real world vampire ranks would be more filled with elderly and middle-aged vampires than the younger, buffer, hotter set. My reasoning? Youngsters already think they’re going to live forever. Why bother going through the whole dying and rebirthing stage? It’s for those whom the end is in sight that immortality would be more appealing. I’m 85?! Won’t somebody drain me of my blood and bring me back to life? Please! I’ve got a bum ticker? Hell, bring on the everlasting life, dawg.

Although I do see that if the vampire legions were swollen by droves of randy old coots there might be a run on the young bucks and nubiles. I mean, as an elderly vampire, are you really going to waste your time and superhuman strength and speed hunting old people like yourself? Yeah, probably not.

Re: Lindsay Lohan. Well, aside from me thinking that she may well be a vampire herself, I think LL occupies plenty of cyberspace without me weighing in. But for all the latest news and gossip, there’s no better place than www.lindsaylohansource.com/ in my humble opinion.

So thank you, Jason, for your comment. I hope I was able to shed some much needed light on the subject of vampires, Lindsay Lohan and modern day cowboys. I encourage all you readers out there to let us here at All Fired Up in the Big Smoke know what’s on your mind. Our door is always open, 24/7.

hungrily submitted by Cityslikr