A Retraction

March 1, 2010

The truth needs to be revealed now that not all of us contributors here at All Fired Up in the Big Smoke agreed with the February 12th post, slagging the Vancouver Olympics. There were those of us who argued vehemently to have our contrarian voices heard; that, in fact, what was being expressed was from the mindset of a perpetual Olympic also-ran. That this time it would be different. But ultimately our views were quashed upon the rocks of an unsound editorial decision.

In hindsight, we should’ve protested the slight by not writing anything during the 17 days of Olympic glory.

And how glorious it was!

Today, as the sun rises on a new Canada, we are a people who have finally tasted true athletic triumph. And we likeee! Gone forever are the what ifs and near misses. No more are we grumpily content with a pat on the back for merely trying hard and doing our best.

No, we did not Own the Podium™®© as organizers had originally predicted. We were out medaled by the U.S. and Germans. But we bested the hated Americans where it really counted: on the ice of a hockey arena. Twice. And as the Games unfolded, the message changed. We became Owners of the Top of the Podium®™©. Gold was all that mattered. Silver and bronze equaled nothing short of failure.

In smashing gold medal haul records as host country and overall in terms of the Winter Olympics, we proved beyond the shadow of a doubt that Canada is the greatest northern country that the world has ever seen. Up yours, former Soviet Union! We did it legitimately without having to subjugate other countries and peoples to pad our athlete ranks. Granted, there may’ve been a little subjugation of First Peoples but that was a long time ago and we allowed them to dress up in their native garb and gave them a spot in the VIP box right behind the Prime Minister. Can you say the same, former Soviet Union? Norway?

So monumental was Canada’s victory in the 2010 Olympics that it gave pause to this normally non-Believer in a Higher Being. Maybe, just maybe, there is a God after all. A beneficent, magnanimous God who finally turned His All Knowing, All Seeing Gaze down upon Canada and bestowed Heavenly Excellence onto us. How else to explain the stupendous turn around in our Olympic fortunes? Coincidence?

Sure, there are those nay saying wet blankets who will suggest that this inspired achievement by our Olympic athletes was simply the logical outcome of us throwing money at them. But that makes no sense whatsoever. If solving problems was as easy as throwing money at it, why wouldn’t we be throwing money at all our problems? The environment. Homelessness. Child poverty. If all this could be dealt with merely by waving around the magic wand of money, don’t you think our governments would’ve done that by now?

Obviously.

But this is not a time for such cold-hearted analysis and explanations. Now is the time for celebration. Now, we dance.

We’re # 1! We’re # 1! We’re # 1!

patriotically submitted by Urban Sophisticat


A Saturday Funny (sort of)

January 9, 2010

Dear Cityslikr,

Re: your post from yesterday. A little joke:

The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.

On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.

The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.

The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or the Americans.

Conclusion: Eat and drink whatever you like. It’s speaking English that kills you.

In other words, correlation does not imply causation. I’m sure Mr. Tory had other reasons for deciding not to run for mayor aside from your enmity toward his possible candidacy.

Just keeping it real, yo.

statistically submitted by Acaphelgmic