“Four days until the election, M. According to many people, the most consequential election in our—”

“Election?”

“We’re still doing this, are we?”

“Commit to the bit, right?”

“OK. So, you really haven’t been paying attention. Like, at all, is what you’re saying here.”

“No, that’s not it, Em. I’ve been paying as much attention as most people. In passing. The occasional headline or two. Articles my grandmother sends me on Facebook.”

“Facebook?”

“The news they don’t let you see on the lamestream media.”

“Right.”

“No more than five, maybe ten, minutes a day. Max. That’s it. That’s all. C’est ça.”

“And how’s that been working out for you so far?”

“The amount of time I have on my hands at the moment? You would not believe. Catching up on sleep. The apartment’s spick and span. You could eat brunch off the bathroom floor. Pilates four days a week. It’s great.”

“Not caring. It’s great not caring.”

“That’s not what this is. I care. I just don’t care that much. My caring about what happens in the election does not define me. You should try it next time. I mean, don’t take this the wrong way, Em, but you’ve been looking a little gaunt since the campaign started. You need to get out more. Get some sun on your face, start the vitamin D flowing. Spring has sprung, baby! There’s more to life than just who the next Prime Minister’s going to be.”

“Right, so. You already know who you’re voting for, I presume. I mean, you’ll be taking some time out of your busy health and wellness regimen to go vote?”

“Come on. I’m not completely irresponsible. I hold voting to be a sacred duty.”

“Just not informed voting.”

“Differently informed. You see. Right there. That’s how people like you get on the nerves of people like me. Just because we go about informing ourselves differently than you do, you think that we’re not informed. You look down on us. You think you know more than we do. You think you’re better than us. You’re a—”

“An elitist. Yeah. I got it. So, if you don’t mind me asking, M, who will you be voting for?”

“There’s still, what did you say? Four days before the election?”

“Monday, yeah.”

“This Monday?”

“Yeah. This Monday. Four days from now.”

“That’s a lot of time to make up my mind still, don’t you think?”

“At least twenty minutes of paying attention, according to your math. Forty minutes at most.”

“I’ve got my inclinations but I’m not ready to lock it down just yet.”

“And how will you make your final decision, do you think?”

“See? Right there.”

“What?”

“A little tone of condescending in that question.”

“What are you talking about? I just asked—”

“Like, I couldn’t possibly have enough information at my disposal to be able to make an informed decision, an informed final decision.”

“No, M. I’m just curious about how you’ll go about deciding who to vote for.”

“With my lack of information, being inferred by the tone of your question.”

“I think you mean implied and you just—”

“See? Dripping with condescension. This is what I’m talk—”

“Why? Because I corrected you—”

“No. Because you thought it was important to point out I made a mistake even though we both knew what I was talking about. Although, was I really wrong though? Implied? Inferred? Aren’t they the same thing?”

“No. They’re not the same. Anyway, you were just all on about not paying attention—”

“Not paying much attention, is what I said. Not letting it consume me.”

“Right. OK. But then you get all defensive when I ask how you’re going to decide who to vote for, what’s going to inform your decision.”

“Right. Sometimes it’s not about being informed or gathering information. It’s 2025, Em! This is not your grandpappy’s election, OK? It’s about vibes. About going with your gut. Instinct not intellect. Who’s hot. Who’s not. Who’s in. Who’s out. Is that guy somebody I would want to have a beer with? What about those two old guys out on the golf course? Former Prime Ministers with dead eyes and dead souls? Is this politician or that politician someone I can see flying a Fuck Them! flag down the road. Intangibles are what we’re talking about here. How do you measure the intangibles, is what I’m trying to figure out.”

“At five, maybe ten, minutes a day.”

“There is the very real risk of overthinking things, Em. Getting yourself so tied up in knots that you wind up strangling out the vibe, the gut instincts. Man cannot live by mind alone.”

“Right… So how far down the road are you, M, in figuring out all these intangibles?”

“Well, you know, there’s still four days left.”

“You haven’t thought about it for even a second, have you.”

“That’s what I’m trying to say here! You have to take the time to let it all flow over you, through you.”

“The vibes.”

“Vibes are definitely a part of it, yeah. But how does it smell to you is also important.”

“The smell?”

“Oh yeah. Does it pass the smell test. That’s key too.”

“OK then. And when does all this vibing, smelling, coalesce into some sort of decision, do you think?”

“Well, you know, this is just an experiment. Something different I’m trying out this time around. So, I’m not really going to know until I know, you know? Probably not until I go to vote, until I’m actually about to vote, sharpie in hand, ballot in front of me, behind that little cardboard wall. Right then and right there. Bam! Like Emeril.”

“Like a bolt of lightning.”

“Exactly. Out of the blue. Go with the gut. Because, as Mark Twain once said, Genius Is One Percent Perspiration, Ninety-Nine Percent Inspiration. And, despite your highfalutin, highbrow attitude, Em, no one has to be a genius in order to cast a ballot!”

“You are committed to the bit, M. I will give you that.”

“Yeah. Not bad, eh? Honestly, it’s a bit freeing, this not caring. You should try it sometime.”

“Maybe you should write a book about it. Teach a YouTube course. The Uncaring Guru.”

“The Not Caring Guru. Sounds less callous, I’d say.”

“The Not Caring Guru.”

“Free your mind. Free your time.”

“Free of all worries or cares.”

“The Not Caring Guru.”

“A man most certainly of our time.”

“Not to brag, but I do feel pretty tapped into the zeitgeist with this, Em.”

“Good for you, M.”