You know, I’m not going to lie. Having no functioning mayor in place really makes for tough writing at this end. I’ve been trying to experiment with my colleague’s suggestion here yesterday not to write about Mayor Ford if he isn’t doing anything worth writing about and, wow, it all just kind of grinds to a halt. I got zip. Zilch. Nada.

It’s like fucking August around here. Except for the weather.

If this keeps up, I’m going to have to start writing about provincial politics or something.

I have to totally agree with Councillor Doug Ford who said on the radio yesterday that governments don’t create jobs but the conditions for job. When the mayor stops working, my job becomes that much more difficult. The conditions just aren’t right for me to write. And it’s all Mayor Ford’s fault!

As the Toronto Sun’s Don Peat reported on Saturday, a group of the more centrist councillors are planning to meet this week in order “…to hash out what issues they want city council to tackle next.” Ranging from TTC Chair Karen Stintz to TCHC task force chair Ana Bailão (an average of 52.5% on the Matt Elliott Ford For Toronto Ford Nation scale), the sit down seems intended to combat the inertia that settles in at City Hall with Mayor Ford’s abdication of authority. “Councillor Colle says agendas are pretty light at City Hall lately,” Peat tweeted, “nine items on four committee agendas.”

Have you seen this man?

I would imagine their first big challenge is going to be finding the mayor. They’re probably going to have to use the city’s new graffiti app as a way to entice him out from his secret location and ambush him as he’s water cannoning some defaced wall. Hey, Your Worship. We’ve got some ideas we could possibly talk about at the next council or committee meeting. What do you think?

I know there’s no official path of tossing or impeaching a badly/under-performing mayor from office but there has to be some sort of expiry date. One of those clauses that stipulate if your account has been dormant for a specified period of time, it gets closed up. If Mayor Ford doesn’t actually perform something mayoral in that given time, he’s asked to pack his things up and move on.

Not too long ago, I jokingly opined that if the mayor can’t turn this thing around and starts to approach the 2014 election with dim prospects of re-election, he might pack it in early. Claiming health reasons brought on entirely by left wing animosity and perfidy (my words not his), he will officially leave office. He’ll do it when the weather turns miserable in order to spend the winter in Florida.

Which totally explains his brother-councillor’s behaviour of late!

In covering the mayor’s radio show (which, natch, the mayor missed yesterday) Open File TO’s David Hains expresses unease with Councillor Ford’s references to his brother’s KFCgate. “1:22: Doug calls out his sick and absent brother Rob, saying that he might be in front of some KFC right now.” “2:13: Doug invites Angel to meet with the mayor, saying that he meets with anyone and everyone. Angel takes him up on the offer, and Doug adds that if he brings some KFC he can jump the line to meet Rob.”

This after the councillor joked about taping his brother’s mouth shut and feeding him through a straw to stop him from eating fast food. Don’t worry, buddy. I got your back. As the mayor flails on the weight loss gimmick Doug dreamed up, his own flesh and blood gleefully mocks him. I can joke. I’m family.

It’s only the latest in a growing list of examples where older brother councillor undermines younger brother mayor. The Portlands. The Sheppard Subway. All taxes are evil.

You know what I think? I think Councillor Ford is Gaslighting his brother. Driving Rob crazy, making his life as mayor completely unbearable until he runs, screaming from office. Come 2014, Councillor Ford rides the sympathy ticket into the election, vowing revenge and retribution on all those who persecuted his baby brother from public life. This Ford is Ford tough. Doug Ford for Mayor in 2014!

Ahh, such behind the scenes intrigue and machinations. Municipal mystery fiction at its finest. I don’t like it anymore than you do but you can’t blame a guy for filling in the blanks left in the void of a mayoral absence.

 — hackily submitted by Cityslikr